Hold on to your cowboy hats, Texas — Hurricane Harvey means business. In fact, Harvey has strengthened to a Category 3 storm with 125 mph winds — wait, scratch that, it’s already been elevated to a Category 4 with 130 mph winds since I’ve written that — and even stronger gusts. Residents staying in the area descended upon grocery stores for the usual natural disaster fare — bread, milk, wine and, hopefully, condoms — while others heading out of the storm’s path boarded up windows and doors, and made sure to take their most treasured possessions, such as pets, heirlooms and Xboxes. Most tragically of all, more than 31,000 people DON’T HAVE WIRELESS, having lost power as a result of Hurricane Harvey, so teenagers will be forced to talk directly to their parents. It’s a horrifying time, indeed.
In all seriousness, I hope those in Harvey’s path heed warnings and stay safe. Meteorologists are saying the storm’s effects will linger for days, with heavy rainfall through next week estimated to be as high as 40 inches — or one Kevin Hart — in some areas.
Our leaders in the White House also imparted their thoughts and prayers:
President Donald Trump Tweets:
“Obama never should have let Harvey get to this point. Now the great people of Texas who helped me win the biggest electoral college victory EVER are going to suffer because of his weak leadership. Sad!”
Vice President Mike Pence offers these words of comfort:
“Mother says hurricanes are just God weeping when two men kiss.”
Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos:
“As long as Harvey only destroys the public schools, we’ll be okay.”
Chief of Staff General John Kelly:
“What a f*cking mess. Nothing in his path of destruction is safe. (To be clear, I’m talking about Trump, not the hurricane.)”
This Dog’s Ear Cyst Looks Exactly Like Trump and We Can’t Look Away
Here’s hoping both the cyst AND its twin can be removed from their current residences.
We may all have a difference of opinion when it comes to news and politics, but I think we can all agree this is the BIGGEST STORY OF THE YEAR.
Meet Chief. Chief is a two-year-old beagle who, as it was just discovered, has a cyst in his ear.
A cyst that is the spitting image of Donald Trump.
Haunting, yet we can’t look away. Once again, Trump has managed to get inside someone’s head and cause problems, like the tumor that he is.
No word yet on how serious it is; however, as the owner’s aunt aptly put it, “Well, for anyone who’s got Donald Trump in their ear, it’s going to be painful.”
Leaked: Donald Trump Jr. and WikiLeaks Secretly Passed Notes on Twitter
Smoking gun alert.
Well, WikiLeaks ought to LOVE this, since, you know, they’re all about transparency (*ahem*): Donald Trump, Jr. and WikiLeaks’ Twitter account exchanged several private messages during the 2016 presidential campaign, which were leaked to the Atlantic’s Julia Ioffe after they were turned over to congressional investigators.
Now we know Trump Jr. sent at least three direct messages to WikiLeaks and told several top Trump campaign staffers by email that WikiLeaks had reached out to him, back in September 2016. And when WikiLeaks suggested tweeting out a link to its site hosting Clinton campaign chair John Podesta’s hacked emails, he did so, like any morals-free boy in desperate need of his daddy’s validation would do. And best of all…? His dad Tweeted about the release of Podesta’s emails just 15 minutes after WikiLeaks wrote to Junior about it.
Wow. That’s even faster than Trump regurgi-Tweets (yeah, I just made that up, thankyouverymuch; trademark pending) what Fox & Friends tells him to think.
Why is this significant? Because Russia hacked the DNC, then provided the stolen emails to WikiLeaks who released them. D’oh. You can read the incriminating exchanges at The Atlantic, but suffice it to say that the only thing Junior may be linking to soon is his chain-gang.
Mitch McConnell Bravely Takes Anti-Child Molestation Stance
Doesn’t he know GOP stands for “gross old perverts”?
In spite of many conservatives standing behind accused child molester Roy Moore, who, as comedian Marie Connor astutely points out, “looks like the cowboy from The Village People after a 30-day stay at Mike Pence’s Gay Conversion Camp”…
…Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell surprised many today by asserting that he — GASP! — believes the ever-growing allegations against the Alabama Republican Senate nominee and that Moore should leave the race.
An actual shot of McConnell talking to reporters this morning:
Shortly thereafter, Moore responded maturely via Twitter.
In other words, “I’m rubber, you’re glue, whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you!” — a phrase Moore probably learned while trolling the middle school playground for dates.
Don and Vlad Do Vietnam
Reunited and it feels so good…
Donald Trump met up with his boss, clad in matching treason tunics (adorably available in both “husky” and boys’ sizes), at a summit in Vietnam today.
The two leaders were spotted smiling and gripping arms in a display of awe-inspiring virility, as they prepared to pose for a group photo — say “collusion!” — ahead of an Asia-Pacific Economic Cooperation summit gala dinner in the coastal city of Danang.
Although it’s claimed the pair will not hold a formal meeting during the conference, Putin’s spokesman Dmitry Peskov told reporters the leaders would be sure to speak…
…after which the Treason Twins would sing their hit love ballad, “Can’t Stop Colluding With You.”
Trump vs. Tillerson: Whose Is Bigger?
Trump loves bragging about the size of his…
I’m referring to their IQs, people, their IQs. Get your minds out of the gutter! (Besides, we already know the answer to the other question. We’ve all seen the amount of gold in his apartment, which is inversely proportional to the amount a man is packing down there…)
I Stillllllll Haven’t Founnnnnd What I’m Looking For
- The AMAs Are Tonight. Here’s What You Can Expect
- Explaining the Tax Plan in Terms “Even a Trump Kid Could Understand”
- Trump Doubles Down on Being a Prick, Lifts Obama Ban on Importing Heads of Elephants
- Al Franken Destroys Chance at Presidency by Taking Responsibility for Gross Behavior
- We Hit the Campaign Trail with Roy Moore — You’ll Never Believe What We Found
New Site! Glowing Reviews!
“Is this site tremendous now? Sure. But it’ll go downhill bigly once it turns 35.” –President Donald Trump
“Needs more cheese.” –Kim Jong-un
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