White House Officials Offer Thoughtful Statements on Hurricane Harvey

By Bigly News

Hold on to your cowboy hats, Texas — Hurricane Harvey means business. In fact, Harvey has strengthened to a Category 3 storm with 125 mph winds — wait, scratch that, it’s already been elevated to a Category 4 with 130 mph winds since I’ve written that — and even stronger gusts. Residents staying in the area descended upon grocery stores for the usual natural disaster fare — bread, milk, wine and, hopefully, condoms — while others heading out of the storm’s path boarded up windows and doors, and made sure to take their most treasured possessions, such as pets, heirlooms and Xboxes. Most tragically of all, more than 31,000 people DON’T HAVE WIRELESS, having lost power as a result of Hurricane Harvey, so teenagers will be forced to talk directly to their parents. It’s a horrifying time, indeed.

In all seriousness, I hope those in Harvey’s path heed warnings and stay safe. Meteorologists are saying the storm’s effects will linger for days, with heavy rainfall through next week estimated to be as high as 40 inches — or one Kevin Hart — in some areas.

Our leaders in the White House also imparted their thoughts and prayers:

President Donald Trump Tweets:

“Obama never should have let Harvey get to this point. Now the great people of Texas who helped me win the biggest electoral college victory EVER are going to suffer because of his weak leadership. Sad!”

Vice President Mike Pence offers these words of comfort:

“Mother says hurricanes are just God weeping when two men kiss.”

Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos:

“As long as Harvey only destroys the public schools, we’ll be okay.”

Chief of Staff General John Kelly:

“What a f*cking mess. Nothing in his path of destruction is safe. (To be clear, I’m talking about Trump, not the hurricane.)”

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