Guest op-ed by John Barron
Forget those other loser papers. Rigged! This is the only endorsement that matters.
On November 8, 2016, the American people will decide between two presidential contenders: a disaster of a woman with no stamina or gold-plated sink fixtures in her house (sad!); and Donald Trump, a terrific man, truly incredible, who has billions and billions of dollars and an understanding of U.S. health care policy as sizable as his hands.
Just kidding, folks. There is no decision for you to make. Because there is only one choice in this election. In fact, our editorial board, consisting of yours truly — which, believe me, is all we need on this board because I have a very good brain and have endorsed lots of things, like steaks and vodka and now the leader of the free world — has declared Donald Trump the winner of this election.
How do I, the editorial board who is totally not Donald Trump, already know Donald Trump is the winner? Because he’s not a loser, people. He is very, very smart. He is very, very successful. And he does very good things.
Also, if I say it, it must be true. I’m not a liar like Crooked Hillary, who founded ISIS in high school and goosed Barbara Bush in the Rose Garden. Many people are saying.
I, the editorial board, stand by Donald Trump’s assertion that he can grab women “by the pussy.” He really can, people — vaginas by the handful. White vaginas. African-American vaginas. Latina vaginas. A veritable cornucopia of vaginas. It’s incredible. That’s precisely the kind of man we need in the White House: the kind who will build a wall to keep Mexican rapists out of our country, while tearing down societal walls to let red-blooded American men grab any pussy they damn well please.
Hillary Clinton, on the other hand, is the devil. I hate to say that, I didn’t want to say that, I think her daughter Chelsea is terrific, but I know Hillary is reading this with that patronizing “Oh, Donald” expression she gets (if I were, um, Donald, that is) and I just want to punch it right off her devil face. If I’m to be completely honest, I think she had something to do with that Hurricane Matthew. The storm picked up steam right after she did that satanic voodoo shimmy at the first debate that all the non-rigged polls say Donald won. Coincidence? I don’t know; you tell me. The mainstream media’s not going to tell you the truth about it, that’s for sure. Once Donald Trump is officially elected supreme overlord, er… president, you can be sure he’ll get to the bottom of how Hillary single-handedly caused the death and destruction from Hurricane Matthew, ban all the loser “journalists” who failed to report about it and throw Hillary’s voodoo ass in jail, where it belongs.
Before I forget: E-mails! Iraq! Bernie! Bill! E-mails!
In conclusion, I, the editorial board who is totally not Donald Trump, am thrilled to endorse Donald Trump as the winner of this election. He will be the most amazing, tremendous president in the history of presidents.
He’ll drive unemployment down to zero percent.
He’ll make the economy soar faster than his huge yacht, Trump Princess.
He’ll bring John Wilkes Booth back from the dead, then personally avenge Lincoln’s assassination by killing him again.
He’ll bravely shout “RADICAL ISLAM” from the roof of Trump Tower, blowing Muslims back to their war-torn nations and violent regimes with the sheer force of his roar.
He’ll make sweet, sweet love to Putin, their sweaty man meat rolling around in the pile of Crooked Hillary’s e-mails the Russian beefcake kindly “edited” for Donald and WikiLeaks.
He’ll make China accept even our most undesirable exports, like David Hasselhoff.
He’ll lose a billion dollars here and there, only to rise like Lazarus on the backs of hard-working Americans who, in his defense, should really learn to be smarter businesspeople.
He’ll make the Declaration of Independence way better, tweaking it to reflect what the Founding Fathers really intended: “Life, Liberty and the pursuit of pussy without consent.”
Donald Trump will make America great again. Believe me