in

Trump Demands Military Parade as Big as His Hubris

And inversely proportional to the size of his junk.

What a grand day, fellow Americans! At a time when infrastructure is crumbling, 30 percent of Puerto Ricans still don’t have electricity and the low chlorine in Flint’s water is killing people, our country needs to devote its resources where they’re really needed: a “my penis is bigger than yours” military parade for “billionaire” Donald Trump! Fun fact:

Oh, yes, Kim Jong Orange has given marching orders (you see what I did there) to the Pentagon to plan a large-scale military parade in Washington D.C. that rivals the one France does for Bastille Day — a holiday that, it must be noted, celebrates the beginning of republican democracy and the end of tyrannical rule (now that’s a reason I could get behind) — to show off “the might of America’s armed forces.”

Official portrait of Kim Jong Orange

Needless to say, everyone is a fan of this idea, with Ex-NATO Commander Adm. James Stavridis declaring, ““Parades like this remind me of that old Texas saying about a braggart, saying he was ‘all hat and no cattle,’” and Senator Lindsey Graham raving, “(It’s) kind of cheesy and a sign of weakness.”

Cheesy! That would explain why Kim Jong-un is a fan. (See also: North Korea’s Kim Jong Un Spends Most of His Time Eating Cheese and Plotting Against the West.)

BREAKING: This Just in From Women Everywhere!

Late Night Comedians Poke Fun at Trump — and Trump Responds