Guest op-ed by John Barron
Time magazine has a dumb contest every year, the most dumb thing you can imagine, it’s called Person of the Year. Personally, I couldn’t care less because I’m a very important person who’s definitely NOT Donald Trump with more important things to care about, but some people do, which is the only reason I’m talking about it.
Many people are saying President Trump should have been Person of the Year again. Now, I’m just his publicist and definitely not him, but I have to agree. I mean, “The Silence Breakers”? What does that even mean? Nobody breaks silence more than me! I mean, the president. If there’s silence with other world leaders, he breaks it by giving their wife the best compliment they’ve ever gotten. If he’s stuck with that nasty, old Merkel woman, he breaks the silence by telling her how tragic her immigration policy is and making the funniest jokes about Kim Jong-un’s “little rocket.” Everyone loves it, believe me, even if Merkel doesn’t show it. There’s never been a better silence breaker than Donald J. Trump.
But everyone knows Time is fake news and now they’ve proved it by not picking President Trump for Person of the Year, even though he was the big favorite. He’s done more in eleven months than all the rest of the presidents combined, and Fox & Friends agrees, so you know it’s true. The fact is the Fake News Russian collusion story, record Stock Market, border security, military strength, jobs, Supreme Court pick, economic enthusiasm, deregulation and so much more have driven the Trump base even closer together and made sure that Trump goes down as the best president in history and in the future. I’ve… he’s… also created a record-breaking number of jobs for defense attorneys, responsible for people learning what the heck “dotard” means and scored a basket down a woman’s shirt while throwing paper towels at hurricane victims in Puerto Rico. I bet their loser mayor couldn’t do that! Sad!
The only good part about that boring Person of the Year Issue that means nothing to me is that Trump was featured as one of the accused. Too bad they failed to point out he has the most accusers out of all of them. He beat Weinstein. He beat Moore. Nobody harasses more women than Donald J. Trump. I’m… he’s… the best sexual predator God has ever created.
So next time you want to know who the Person of the Year is, don’t go to the failing Time magazine. They don’t send their best. Go to one of our beautiful golf clubs (currently offering holiday specials — act now!), where we’ve come up with the only Person of the Year cover you need to see! Believe me.