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    John Oliver Extends Olive Branch to North Korea: Weird Al Playing the Accordion

    I’ve gotta be honest: I’m not sure if this is going to help or hurt our case. But, as FDR used to say, “I suppose accordion-based diplomacy is better than Twitter-fueled threats.”

    On Sunday night’s episode of Last Week Tonight, John Oliver focused his 25-minute segment on — what else? — the increasingly acrimonious relationship between the United States and North Korea. John appealed to Kim Jong un via the international language of accordion, offering up Weird Al Yankovic and a full polka band (beginning at around 24:30 into the video above).

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    North Korea: Ready to Strike Guam Within Days

    Thanks to Trump’s perma-case of the Terrible Twos, a plan to fire four missiles near Guam will be ready for Kim Jong Un’s consideration within days, state media has reported, as a showdown between the two man babies intensifies.

    The intermediate-range missiles would be fired east and over Japan before landing around 18 to 25 miles off the coast of the tiny, unwitting island — which is more than 1,800 miles from North Korea — if they move forward with the threat.

    An actual exchange between Guam and Kim Jong Un:

    A congresswoman for the U.S. territory, Madeleine Z. Bordallo, called on Trump to show “steady leadership” (lol, glad she still has her sense of humor) and work with the international community to de-escalate tensions and stop North Korea from advancing its weapons program. In the meantime, Guam residents are also stockpiling shirts that say, “We voted for Hillary and all we got is this lousy nuclear threat.”

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    North Korea Missile Launch Crashes and Burns Almost as Hard as Trumpcare Launch

    My, what a big… missile… you have

    A day after Kim Jong Un showed off a bevy of new missiles and launchers at a “MY PENIS IS BIGGER THAN TRUMP’S PENIS” throw-down-slash-military parade, North Korea attempted to cement its military might with a missile launch — only to have it fizzle faster than Trump’s attention span.

    Trump in any given meeting

    A South Korean defense official said the action took place in Sinpo, a port city in eastern North Korea that sounds like the down-on-his luck twin brother of Sinbad. That also was the site of a ballistic missile test earlier this month in which the projectile fell into the Sea of Japan, also known as the East Sea or the Sea of Kim Jong Un’s tears.

    The North Koreans use Sinpo shipyard for their submarine activity, and US satellites have observed increased activity there in April, which just happens to coincide with Trump’s increased Twitter activity about North Korea. Quelle suprise! South Korean and US intelligence officials are trying to determine what type of missile was used Sunday, but initial reports said it could be a medium-range missile likely headed toward this target:

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    Kim Jong Un is Back, Baby!

    TOTALLY BACK!

    Well, sort of back.

    Maybe not-so-back?

    After being MIA for more than a month, North Korean leader Kim Jung Un has reportedly resurfaced, with state media releasing this photo to end international speculation about his whereabouts. And Kim Jung Un — or, as I affectionately call him, “Lil’ Kim” — apparently spent his first day back on the job giving “field guidance” to a newly built residential district and visiting the Natural Energy Institute of the State Academy of Sciences.

    The authenticity of the photo has not been confirmed; however, if that is indeed a picture of his reappearance, then sign ME up for some sweet residential district “field guidance” action! Look at how happy Lil’ Kim is! His smile — so jolly! His skin — so glowing! His hair — so North Korea’s answer to the “Ross Gellar!”

    There have been many rumors swirling about why, exactly, the North Korean leader has been out of sight, but only this Smug White Liberal (SWL) has the Top 5 Most Likely Reasons Kim Jong Un Went Missing:

    5. He was devoting himself to “excessive cheese consumption” so he could launch a massive gas attack.

    4. Now that he’s in his 30s, he took some time off to “get refreshed.”

    3. He was busy faking “health issues” so he could stay home from work and catch up on “Breaking Bad.”

    2. He was recovering from the disappointment that he got Chris Messina instead of Uncle Jesse on BuzzFeed’s “Who Should Be Your Boyfriend?” quiz.

    1. He’s been busy reinventing himself for a career in ’90s sitcoms.

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