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    Trump Thinks He Just Repealed Obamacare, Bless His Heart

    President Trump said the tax bill that Republicans rammed through Congress faster than you can say “scam” will effectively repeal the Affordable Care Act, better known as Obamacare.

    Trump told reporters before a Cabinet meeting today:

    “The individual mandate is being repealed. When the individual mandate is being repealed, that means Obamacare is being repealed. So the individual mandate is being repealed. So in this bill, not only do we have massive tax cuts and tax reform, we have essentially repealed Obamacare, and we’ll come up with something that will be much better, whether it’s block grants or whether it’s taking what we have and doing something terrific. But Obamacare has been repealed in this bill.”

    While the GOP bill would repeal the individual mandate requiring all Americans to have health insurance under the Affordable Care Act, or pay a fee, Obamacare remains the law.

    For now.

     

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    Oh, It’s On! Sen. Mark Warner Draws Line in Sand Over Mueller Investigation

    Having spotted the writing on the wall, and Jr. spewing conspiracy theories at summits, Sen. Mark Warner, D-Va., is trying to get ahead of the Trump camp by publicly expressing his concern about a “growing chorus of irresponsible and reckless” voices that are calling for an end to special counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation of the president’s ties to Russia.

    Members of the chorus

    Warner, who’s the vice chairman of the Senate Intelligence Committee, said in a speech on the Senate floor that “in recent weeks those voices seem to be growing in stridency and volume,” with “seemingly coordinated” criticism of the investigation — even though Mueller is a “fair and independent investigator.” (Of course, “fair” is probably another word Trump wants to ban.) The senator warned against firing Mueller, saying it would be a “gross abuse of power and a flagrant violation of executive branch responsibilities and authorities.”

    In a recent interview, Warner told CNBC that firing Mueller could lead to a “constitutional crisis,” adding: “If they pull on one of these threads as a reason to fire Mueller, I think it will be a political disaster for the president, and I believe it will be a constitutional crisis.”

    And if anyone knows about string-pulling, it’s Trump.

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    Hillary Clinton Makes Note-Worthy Cameo in ‘Song for Women 2017’

    The Daily Show looked back on 2017 during a “Yearly Show” special that included an anthem about lady stuff, including everything from the women’s march to the success of Wonder Woman. Correspondents Desi Lydic and Dulcé Sloan (whose voice is hilariously not so dulce) belted out the song, featuring an obnoxious interruption by DJ Mansplain (a.k.a. Michael Kosta).

    However, the real high note of the show is Hillary Clinton passionately “singing” the hook to a song with the lyrics “our lady d*cks are swinging” playing in the background. Start watching around the 2:45 mark for the actual song. Pitch perfect for 2017.

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    Trump Lawyer Accuses Mueller of ‘Unlawfully’ Obtaining Emails, So You Know What That Means…

    Trump’s in deep doo-doo.

    In yet another desperate move to discredit Special Counsel Mueller’s investigation, Trump’s lawyer has accused Mueller of obtaining emails and other records from Trump’s transition team “unlawfully.” The lawyer whined in a letter to Congress on Saturday that the General Services Administration, the government agency that had the transition team’s emails, had handed over the materials to Mr. Mueller’s investigators in August without allowing lawyers for the transition team to review them. The documents, the lawyer cried, should have been shielded by various privileges, like attorney-client privilege. (Translation: It’s illegal to legally find out we did illegal stuff during the transition and lied to the FBI about it.)

    And if Mueller wanted to get those emails, he should have just gone on TV and said, “Russia, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find the thousands of Trump transition emails.” That’s how the Trump team would’ve handled it, anyway.

    Officials with both the Special Counsel’s Office and GSA, however, pushed back against the Trump campaign lawyer’s claims in the hours after the letter was issued, calling total B.S.

    Among the materials obtained by Mueller were emails, laptops and cellphones for nine members of Trump’s transition team who worked on national security and policy matters, as well as very special pictures taken during the transition.

    Right now, Trump’s henchmen are like…

     

     

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    Paul Ryan Contemplating Leaving Congress after 2018 Elections

    They say he’s “soul searching.” Hope he finds his spine in there.

    After nearly a year of enabling Trump’s racism, sexism and xenophobia, House Speaker Paul Ryan is thinking about hanging up his gavel.

    But not his weights! Never his weights.

    Those people close to Ryan told CNN they believe it is possible that he could leave Congress after the 2018 midterm elections, if he can achieve his goal of screwing over most Americans with the rushed, error-filled tax plan that offers the biggest shift of wealth to the rich since Reagan. What a legacy!  However, some say his departure could possibly happen even before he taxes kids’ school pencils to pay for corporate tax cuts, because he “particularly dislikes the toll the job takes on his family,” according to multiple sources, and “is in the pockets of Russia and totally freaking out,” according to even more totally credible sources on Twitter.

    Also, his congressional gym membership is up soon, so…

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    The FCC Just Killed Net Neutrality! What Are You Going to Do Next?!

    I’m going to pay $199/month for Twitter! Yay!

    R.I.P. net neutrality — at least for now. The Republican-led Federal Communications Commission today approved, by a 3-2 vote, a repeal of the tough net neutrality rules it put in place just two years ago under Obama. Those rules prevented internet providers from blocking and throttling traffic and offering “fast lanes” for mo’ money. And you can largely thank this guy, FCC chairman Ajit Pai, for screwing over consumers in favor of multi-billion-dollar broadband companies. (More like Ajit Pai(d), amirite? …If it were pronounced “pay,” that is, but let’s not get bogged down by actual facts… it’s 2017, after all!)

    Look at him. He thinks he’s the cool guy at the office, but he’s actually Michael Scott.

    But with less of a desire to be loved and accepted, apparently, given 83 percent of voters supported keeping FCC’s net neutrality rules.

    So now it’s up to us to call upon our representatives to fight the repeal in courts and in the halls of Congress, before the repeal goes into effect and your access to certain content on the Internet is cut o–

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    R.I.P. Omarosa’s White House Career

    (January 4, 2017 – December 13, 2017) Omarosé Onée “Omarosa” Manigault-Newman’s White House Career, 11 months, borne out reality TV villain infamy, passed away in a humiliating fashion on December 13, 2017, as she tried to re-enter the White House to take up her firing with the president over John Kelly’s objection, and had to be stopped by Secret Service and dragged from the grounds, kicking and screaming.

    Actual footage of Omarosa being escorted from the White House.

    Omarosa’s White House Career, which, coincidentally, was ended the very morning after black women overwhelmingly helped elect Doug Jones the senator of Alabama, was preceded in death by former Chief Strategist Steve Bannon, White House Communications Director Michael Dubke, former Press Secretary Sean Spicer, former FBI Director James Comey, White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci, former White House Chief-of-Staff Reince Priebus, former Director of the Office of Government Ethics Walter Shaub, former National Security Advisor Michael Flynn, Acting Attorney General Sally Yates, and former US Attorney for the Southern District of Manhattan Preet Bharara.

    Omarosa leaves behind a work legacy of, well, nobody’s really sure, beyond keeping her shoes “all over the White House,” using the headquarters of the executive branch as her wedding-procession backdrop, with a photo shoot that could not be released because that would constitute a security breach, inviting a journalist to trail her in the White House without notifying anyone else on the communications team, and canceling an appearance on The Daily Show with Trevor Noah, where she had planned to promote her episode of TLC’s Say Yes to the Dress. A huge loss for the people of the United States, to say the least.

    No word on where she’ll keep her shoes now. Please keep her homeless footwear in your prayers.

     

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    HOT FLASH: Doug Jones Wins the Alabama Senate Race

    Well, halle-freakin-lujah! Doug Jones has won the Alabama senate race. So Roy Moore’s been banned from yet another mall.

    This win is a sharp blow to Trump, narrowing the GOP’s majority in the Senate to just two. We attempted to reach him and Moore for comment, but they were too busy eating crow to respond.

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    Trump Sexually Harasses Senator Gillibrand in Response to Call to Resign Over Sexual Harassment

    Yes, you read that right.

    “So you denigrate me while supporting a child molester? Cool story, bro.”

    Senator Kirsten Gillibrand, who’s been leading the charge against sexual harassment in Congress, called upon Trump to resign over the TWENTY accusations against him. So, naturally, Trump responded with his usual grace and class via Twitter.

    “Lightweight Senator Kirsten Gillibrand, a total flunky for Chuck Schumer and someone who would come to my office “begging” for campaign contributions not so long ago (and would do anything for them), is now in the ring fighting against Trump. Very disloyal to Bill & Crooked-USED!”

    “Would do anything for them”? The White House refused to respond to requests for clarification, but it doesn’t take a linguistic scientist to know what he meant. In other words, Trump sexually harassed Gillibrand by implying she’d have sex for donations in response to the outcry about his sexual harassment.

    That’s an understatement, Colbert. But Gillibrand quickly jumped into “the ring” and punched back:

    “You cannot silence me or the millions of women who have gotten off the sidelines to speak out about the unfitness and shame you have brought to the Oval Office.”

    Speaking at a news conference later in the day, Gillibrand threw more shade at Trump’s gross comments.

    “I see it as a sexist smear. I mean that’s what it is,” she said on Capitol Hill. “It’s part of the President’s efforts of name calling and it’s not going to silence me, it’s not going to silence me. It’s intended to silence me. It’s not going to silence the women who have stood up against him directly, and it’s not going to silence the millions of women who been speaking out every day since his inauguration about things they disagree with.”

    Boom. But never fear — the president has plenty of other clever comebacks in his arsenal!

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    Pro-Trump Group Has Pre-Teen Girl Interview Roy Moore. Yes. For Real.

    In quite the show of judgment, a pro-Trump super PAC arranged for a 12-year-old girl to interview Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore, even as numerous women accuse him of stalking and molesting them as young teenagers.

    Now there’s a PR tactic we didn’t expect: offering us a visual of Moore with his ideal girlfriend.

    The America First Project brought Millie March, a girl whose interviews during the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) went viral, to Alabama to interview Moore.

    “We decided that we were going to bring Millie to Alabama, after everything that’s happened in this Alabama Senate race up until this point,” America First Project’s Jennifer Lawrence said in the video, adding that the group wanted “to show there is a wide range of people who support Roy Moore.”

    Translation: After Moore admitted “dating” minors, we thought it was important to send Millie to interview him to show that even 12-year-olds are cool with that!

    Hopefully, this interview was supervised at ALL TIMES. No word on whether Millie has marked herself “safe” on Facebook. We’ll keep you posted.

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    John Oliver Shares Easy Way to Help Save Net Neutrality & Our Right to Watch Goats Singing Taylor Swift Songs

    Equal access to online information, or Net Neutrality, is in imminent danger of being repealed, which means the internet will become pay-to-play technology with two tiers: one that has speedy service and one that doesn’t. The high-speed lane would be occupied by big internet and media companies, and affluent households. For everyone else, there would be the slow lane. The repeal plan also specifically permits broadband carriers to block media content — yes, even singing goats!

    Regardless of political leanings, everyone should agree we all deserve equal access to such high-quality entertainment. Which is why John Oliver encourages Internet commenters to voice their displeasure to the FCC by doing the following:

    1. Go to gofccyourself.com (the shortcut John Oliver made to the hard-to-find FCC comment page)
    2. Click on the 17-108 link (Restoring Internet Freedom)
    3. Click on “+Express” (in the left column)
    4. Be sure to hit “ENTER” after you put in your name (your name will then feature a yellow box, then put in the rest of your info)
    5. In the comments section simply write, “I strongly support net neutrality backed by Title 2 oversight of ISPs.”
    6. Click to review, then submit, and done! (Make sure you hit submit at the end!)

    Goat it?

    If nothing else, do it for farm animals just looking for their one shot at internet infamy. DO IT FOR THE VOCALLY-BLESSED GOATS!

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    These Pictures from Trump’s Pensacola Rally Say It All

    Trump was in Pensacola, Fla. yesterday to rally support in Alabama for the child molester running for senate. Such fun! And, really, all you need to know about the embarrassing circus can be summed up in these pictures.

    “And you think this crowd is big, you should see right now what’s outside,” boasted Trump. “Congratulations.”

    This is the “big crowd.” Rivals the one at his inauguration!

    These were the kind of people there to support Trump and Moore. Charming. That woman clearly has a lot of self-respect.

    Photo source

    Trump promotes racism, assaults women, mocks disabled reporters and colludes with Russia, and the guy he’s touting molests and stalks little girls, but none of that matters because HE’S BRINGING “MERRY CHRISTMAS” BACK! Even though it never went anywhere. A Christmas miracle, indeed.

    Oh, he’s all in.

    Seriously. This is all they care about.

    Yikes, now I’m getting freaked out. These people do realize Trump wouldn’t know Jesus from Jared Leto, right?

    Okay, in Trump’s defense, I wouldn’t either.

    Wait — where have I seen that before? Let me think, let me think…

    Oh. Right.

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