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    Trump Thinks He Just Repealed Obamacare, Bless His Heart

    President Trump said the tax bill that Republicans rammed through Congress faster than you can say “scam” will effectively repeal the Affordable Care Act, better known as Obamacare.

    Trump told reporters before a Cabinet meeting today:

    “The individual mandate is being repealed. When the individual mandate is being repealed, that means Obamacare is being repealed. So the individual mandate is being repealed. So in this bill, not only do we have massive tax cuts and tax reform, we have essentially repealed Obamacare, and we’ll come up with something that will be much better, whether it’s block grants or whether it’s taking what we have and doing something terrific. But Obamacare has been repealed in this bill.”

    While the GOP bill would repeal the individual mandate requiring all Americans to have health insurance under the Affordable Care Act, or pay a fee, Obamacare remains the law.

    For now.

     

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    Oh, It’s On! Sen. Mark Warner Draws Line in Sand Over Mueller Investigation

    Having spotted the writing on the wall, and Jr. spewing conspiracy theories at summits, Sen. Mark Warner, D-Va., is trying to get ahead of the Trump camp by publicly expressing his concern about a “growing chorus of irresponsible and reckless” voices that are calling for an end to special counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation of the president’s ties to Russia.

    Members of the chorus

    Warner, who’s the vice chairman of the Senate Intelligence Committee, said in a speech on the Senate floor that “in recent weeks those voices seem to be growing in stridency and volume,” with “seemingly coordinated” criticism of the investigation — even though Mueller is a “fair and independent investigator.” (Of course, “fair” is probably another word Trump wants to ban.) The senator warned against firing Mueller, saying it would be a “gross abuse of power and a flagrant violation of executive branch responsibilities and authorities.”

    In a recent interview, Warner told CNBC that firing Mueller could lead to a “constitutional crisis,” adding: “If they pull on one of these threads as a reason to fire Mueller, I think it will be a political disaster for the president, and I believe it will be a constitutional crisis.”

    And if anyone knows about string-pulling, it’s Trump.

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    Donald Trump’s Disney Robot Almost as Deranged as The Real Deal

    How exciting! Disney has unveiled its new Donald Trump animatronic figure in the Hall of Presidents at Walt Disney World, and it’s…

    Oh. Oh my. Now there’s a sight you won’t soon un-see.

    “I helped free the slaves and was assassinated, and all I got was eternal life on stage with this creepo,” thinks Abe.

    On the bright side, we have a sneak peek of what Disney’s Animatronic Trump says!

     

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    C’mon Down, Jill Stein! You’re the Latest Contestant on ‘That Russia Collusion Ain’t Right’!

    What a fun surprise! Turns out, the Senate Intelligence Committee is looking at the presidential campaign of Jill Stein, the зеленый вечеринка (or, as we say in English, “Green Party”) candidate, for potential “collusion with the Russians.” Sen. Richard Burr told reporters yesterday that the Senate Intelligence Committee has “two other campaigns that we’re just starting on”…

    …in addition to the panel’s investigation into ties and a shared love for golden showers between the Trump administration and Kremlin officials. One of those he identified as Stein’s — and only The NewsFlasher has a LIVE FEED of Stein’s current whereabouts:

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    Hillary Clinton Makes Note-Worthy Cameo in ‘Song for Women 2017’

    The Daily Show looked back on 2017 during a “Yearly Show” special that included an anthem about lady stuff, including everything from the women’s march to the success of Wonder Woman. Correspondents Desi Lydic and Dulcé Sloan (whose voice is hilariously not so dulce) belted out the song, featuring an obnoxious interruption by DJ Mansplain (a.k.a. Michael Kosta).

    However, the real high note of the show is Hillary Clinton passionately “singing” the hook to a song with the lyrics “our lady d*cks are swinging” playing in the background. Start watching around the 2:45 mark for the actual song. Pitch perfect for 2017.

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    Exclusive Look: The Holiday Cards of Politicians!

    If you’ve ever wondered what kind of holiday cards politicians and other government folks send out, you’re in luck! Not to brag or anything, but we here at The NewsFlasher are VERY important. We have many leather-bound books, our office smells of rich mahogany, and we’re on the mailing list of all the big-wigs in D.C., as you’ll see from these cards we’re able to share…

    Thanks, Betsy DeVos! We think your grate too.

    Good luck with that, Vice President Pence!

    The merriest of complicity from Jared and Ivanka.

    “While visions of travel bans danced in his head…”

    A wonderful story that helps many of us sleep better at night.

    Oops. I don’t think we were supposed to get that one.

    Merry Impeachmas, Donald.

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    So Ted Cruz Embarrassingly Got Vanquished by a Jedi Over the Weekend

    During a weekend when Star Wars: The Last Jedi kicked ass the box office, Luke Skywalker himself battled Senator Ted Cruz and FCC Chairman Ajit Pai over net neutrality.

    Mark Hamill lambasted Pai on Twitter for his weirdly patronizing video celebrating the recent vote to shut down Internet freedom, calling the FCC chief a “corp[orate] shill” who is “profoundly unworthy 2 wield a lightsaber.”

    A day later, Ted “Look at me! Look at me!” Cruz made the mistake of jumping in the fray to defend Pai, armed only with his condescension, tweeting to Hamill (at the wrong Twitter handle, no less) that “Hollywood can be confusing, but it was Vader who supported govt power”…

    At which point, Hamill ripped him for “smarm-splaining” net neutrality to him, and then brought up that time Cruz, er… one of his “staffers”… “liked” a video called “Moms Bang Teens 20”

    Oh, Ted. Just wait ’til you find out how much you need to pay for the new porn tier from your ISP! I mean, for how long do you watch it?

    Yikes. That’s going to add up. Your beloved kinky stepmom porn won’t come cheap if net neutrality is lifted, you know. And just wait until you find out they’re selling data on your porn habits to third parties! You’re really going to love that.

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    Trump Lawyer Accuses Mueller of ‘Unlawfully’ Obtaining Emails, So You Know What That Means…

    Trump’s in deep doo-doo.

    In yet another desperate move to discredit Special Counsel Mueller’s investigation, Trump’s lawyer has accused Mueller of obtaining emails and other records from Trump’s transition team “unlawfully.” The lawyer whined in a letter to Congress on Saturday that the General Services Administration, the government agency that had the transition team’s emails, had handed over the materials to Mr. Mueller’s investigators in August without allowing lawyers for the transition team to review them. The documents, the lawyer cried, should have been shielded by various privileges, like attorney-client privilege. (Translation: It’s illegal to legally find out we did illegal stuff during the transition and lied to the FBI about it.)

    And if Mueller wanted to get those emails, he should have just gone on TV and said, “Russia, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find the thousands of Trump transition emails.” That’s how the Trump team would’ve handled it, anyway.

    Officials with both the Special Counsel’s Office and GSA, however, pushed back against the Trump campaign lawyer’s claims in the hours after the letter was issued, calling total B.S.

    Among the materials obtained by Mueller were emails, laptops and cellphones for nine members of Trump’s transition team who worked on national security and policy matters, as well as very special pictures taken during the transition.

    Right now, Trump’s henchmen are like…

     

     

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