There, Fixed It — We Improved Louis C.K.’s Statement Confirming He’s a Gross, Abusive Perv

In a shocking — just shocking! — turn of events, comedian Louis C.K. has fessed up to long-rumored sexual misconduct, after The New York Times got five women to corroborate his perviness. How brave of him.

C.K. kinda… sorta… takes responsibility for thinking women would ever, ever want to see him masturbate (pro tip for men: we never, ever want to see that), by releasing this statement, which I have taken the liberty of fixing in red edits:

“These stories are true. At the time, I said to myself that what I did was okay because I never showed a woman my dick without asking first, but it was wrong because I never actually waited for their answer or acknowledged that these women had zero interest in seeing my penis, which is also true. Let’s be real — the question I should have asked was, ‘Why would I think anybody would want to look at it?’ No woman is longing to admire my knob, much less watch me jerk it off. That’s gross. But what I learned later in life, too late, is that when you have power over another person, asking them to look at your dick isn’t a question. It’s a predicament for them. Really, it’s more of a nightmare, no matter how much power a man has. Have I mentioned that women aren’t interested in attending my personal Puppetry of the Penis show? Yeah, that. The power I had over these women is that they admired me. And I wielded that power irresponsibly. Okay, disgustingly.”

C.K. went on to say that he is “remorseful” and has “tried to learn” from his irresponsible disgusting behavior.

“I have been remorseful of my actions sexual harassment, especially now that The New York Times, with the help of five of my victims, has exposed my abusive behavior. And I’ve tried to learn from them. And run from them. Now I’m aware of the extent of the impact of my undesired masturbatory sessions actions. I learned yesterday the extent to which I left these women who admired me feeling badly about themselves and cautious around other men who would never have put them in that position. To those women, I’d like to say: I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. It was wrong. I was wrong. And please know you did nothing wrong. It’s all my fault.

I also took advantage of the fact that I was widely admired in my and their community, which disabled them from sharing their story and brought hardship to them when they tried because people who look up to me didn’t want to hear it, so they became complicit in this abusive environment in which female comedians must work. I didn’t think that I was doing any of that because my position allowed me not to think about it.

There is nothing about this that I forgive myself for. And I have to reconcile it with who I am. Which is nothing compared to the task I left them with.

I wish I had reacted to their admiration of me by being a good example to them as a man and given them some guidance as a comedian, including because I admired their work. But I didn’t. I whipped out my baloney pony instead and expected them to enjoy the ride. Sick, sick, sick.

The hardest regret to live with is what you’ve done to hurt someone else, but that’s the burden I rightfully deserve for being a predatory jerk. And I can hardly wrap my head around the scope of hurt I brought on them. I know it’s too little, too late, but I’d be remiss to exclude the hurt that I’ve brought on people who I work with and have worked with who’s whose professional and personal lives have been impacted by all of this, including projects currently in production: the cast and crew of ‘Better Things,’ ‘Baskets,’ ‘The Cops,’ ‘One Mississippi,’ and ‘I Love You Daddy.’ I deeply regret that this has brought negative attention to my manager Dave Becky who only tried to mediate a situation that I caused, when what he should have done was dropped me and reported my sick behavior immediately rather than sweeping it under the notorious Hollywood rug of sexual harassment. I’ve brought anguish and hardship to the people at FX who have given me so much. The Orchard who took a chance on my movie and every other entity that has bet on me through the years. I’m sorry to everyone involved. Really, really sorry.

I’ve brought pain to my family, my friends, my children and their mother. I have spent my long and lucky career talking and saying and, as you now know, whipping out anything I want. I will now step back and take a long time to listen because I have nothing else to do now that nobody wants to work with me. Which is my long-winded way of saying I’M SORRY FOR BEING A DICK, AND STROKING MY DICK, IN FRONT OF WOMEN WHO HAVE NO DESIRE — NADA, ZERO, ZILCH — TO WATCH THAT. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

And now that we know about Louie’s affinity for wanker wingdings, I can’t help noticing he always looks like he’s right in the middle of one.



Yup. Zero interest. Really, none.

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