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Holy Times

Leave Joel Osteen Alone!

Have the evacuees contributed to the collection plate? I. DON’T. THINK. SO.



Well, multi-multi-multi-millionaire televangelist Joel Osteen finally opened his Houston megachurch to Hurricane Harvey evacuees after you SHAMED him on social media. Are you happy now? I bet Joel isn’t.

Joel initially closed the doors to hurricane victims, claiming the church had suffered some flooding itself. As you can see, it was under at least a centimeter of rain:

Horrifying, clearly dangerous conditions for those escaping houses submerged in water. Joel was only thinking about victims’ safety, ‘kay? Not to mention they would have gotten his expensive carpets dirty with their water-logged shoes and God would NOT have been happy with the amount of visits it would have taken from Stanley Steemer to get that out.

This is why Joel generously provided a list of other, less attractively-carpeted shelters that didn’t hesitate to open their doors. I’m sure his omission of the mosques that were among those shelters was just an oversight. *Ahem*

Lest you judge this great shepherd who’s extremely skilled at fleecing his flock, remember: Joel has made $40 million off promoting the goodness of God — not himself. After all, even Jesus fed the needy only after receiving massive public pressure. And it’s no secret Joel is more a fan of exploiting tax shelters, rather than offering shelter in his 16,000-seat arena or $10.5 million, 17,000-square foot mansion.

This dwelling is too meager to harbor hurricane evacuees

But, alas, Joel has now opened the doors to his church, even contending with the possible danger of more centimeters of rain falling in the parking lot. If you see poor Joel, so unfairly treated by social media for how he’s handled the situation, please follow his advice and don’t rub it in — help him rub it out.

Holy Times

Trump Visits the Western Wall — What Did His Note Say?



President Trump visited Jerusalem’s Western Wall today, placing his hand on Judaism’s holiest prayer site and posting a note into the wall, as many worshippers do with prayers and supplications. Here’s a look at what our holy, oh-so-religious president wrote:

Ivanka and Melania Trump were relegated to visiting the smaller “women’s section” of the wall, which onlookers noted was more size-appropriate for Donald’s hands. As it just so happens, we saw what Melania and Ivanka wrote in their notes, too.


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