No, “Lady Dorito” isn’t the name of Kylie Jenner’s new baby — it’s the gender-based snack that women need and desire, according to Indra Nooyi, the CEO of global giant PepsiCo. Yes! In a recent interview with WNYC’s Freakonomics, Nooyi discussed the different ways that men and women eat chips. Apparently, men “lick their fingers with great glee, and when they reach the bottom of the bag they pour the little broken pieces into their mouth, because they don’t want to lose that taste of the flavor, and the broken chips in the bottom.” Not so much for we delicate lady folk, who “don’t like to crunch too loudly in public. And they don’t lick their fingers generously and they don’t like to pour the little broken pieces and the flavor into their mouth.”
The people making fun of the crunch-less lady chips clearly aren’t familiar with women’s history. Because, as you’ll see, we feminists have been fighting for this very moment for centuries…
In the Ice Age, the Neanderthal Woman worked to perfect “Not-So-Jerky Mammoth Jerky,” a softer, more feminine version of woolly mammoth jerky that would allow them to tear off pieces of the dried mammoth meat with their rotting teeth and frostbitten hands gracefully.
“I have encountered riotous mobs and have been hung in effigy, but my motto is: Men’s rights to snarf down their meals with abandon are nothing more. Women’s rights to feminized foods that make them look more appealing while eating are nothing less.” –Susan B. Anthony, championing the crumb-less corn muffin at the Seneca Falls Convention in 1848
In 1851, Sojourner Truth’s famous “Ain’t I A Woman?” speech at the Women’s Rights Convention in Akron, Ohio is widely misinterpreted as a rebuke to anti-feminist arguments of the day when, in fact, the transcript from the convention omitted a critical part of her oft-repeated refrain. The full refrain is finally revealed: “Ain’t I A Woman Who Deserves Sticky-Free Molasses Sticky Buns?” Because there’s no WAY you can snag yourself a husband with that gooey stuff sticking most unattractively to your mouth. That was Sojourner’s real Truth.
Legendary women’s right activist Gloria Steinem has long fought to pass the ERA, otherwise known as the Elegant Ribs Amendment. Because BBQ sauce all over your face, under your fingernails, and in your hair is pretty much the least feminine thing ever. Here’s hoping Steinem is finally able to get it ratified to ensure that women get elegant protections on the basis of messy foods that make them look downright repugnant.