Poor Mitch McConnell.
Not only was he handed a devastating defeat with his Skinny Repeal, which had even less meat on it than a chicken wing, but now Big Daddy Trump is mad at him for making him look bad. So he knows how Donald Trump, Jr. feels! And the only way to get back in Big Daddy’s good graces is to either magically transform into Ivanka or check off every item of Trump’s to-do list for him:
MITCH’S SUCK UP TO TRUMP LIST
1. Repeal & replace Obamacare ASAP! If you just replace the “Obama” part with “Trump,” that works, too!
2. Pass tax reform & cuts. I don’t know the difference, but make sure it happens and make sure my base doesn’t know the richest 1% benefits from it the most. I’ll make sure to distract them with a homophobic policy or a big rally or a Crooked Hillary Tweet. They go wild over those!
3. Get a great Infrastructure Bill on my desk for signing. It’s gotta be great and it’s gotta be infrastructured. That’s bigly important.
4. Preface every media interview and speech in Congress with “Trump is our almighty leader, more strapping than Trudeau, smarter than Pea Brain Merkel and more well-endowed than Kim Jong-un and that Australian jerk-off combined.”
5. Stop looking so damn sad all the time. What’s wrong with your face? You look like a depressed turtle. Try to look more handsome and powerful, like me. You’re such a downer, Mitch.
6. Ask that Kamala Harris if she’d join me for a “private meeting.” She annoys the hell out of me, but I could go for some Hot Chocolate, if you know what I mean, rather than this icy treatment I’ve been getting from She Who Shall Not Be Named. (MELANIA! I’m talking about Melania.)
7. A basket of KFC, Coke and Doritos a day makes Trump’s mean Tweets go away. Remember that.