More stories

  • in ,

    5 Reasons Why Trump’s “Shithole” Comment Wasn’t Really That Bad

    Okay, sure, President Trump reportedly called Haiti and African countries “shitholes” and wondered why the United States didn’t recruit more (white) immigrants from places like Norway, but that doesn’t mean his comment was intended to be derogatory! In fact, here are some reasons why it may just have been a compliment:

    #1 – Trump’s “shithole” is where he happens to pull most of his ideas from!

    #2 – “Shitholes” also is Trump’s pet nickname for his eldest sons.

    Awwww. Shithole #1 and 2.

    #3 – It was an honor bestowed upon Trump in his younger years.

    #4 – And he’s lived up to it! Trump is indeed an (ass)hole full of shit.

    #5 – It describes Trump’s possible retirement home!

    See? Clearly a term of endearment.

  • in

    Trump Thinks He Just Repealed Obamacare, Bless His Heart

    President Trump said the tax bill that Republicans rammed through Congress faster than you can say “scam” will effectively repeal the Affordable Care Act, better known as Obamacare.

    Trump told reporters before a Cabinet meeting today:

    “The individual mandate is being repealed. When the individual mandate is being repealed, that means Obamacare is being repealed. So the individual mandate is being repealed. So in this bill, not only do we have massive tax cuts and tax reform, we have essentially repealed Obamacare, and we’ll come up with something that will be much better, whether it’s block grants or whether it’s taking what we have and doing something terrific. But Obamacare has been repealed in this bill.”

    While the GOP bill would repeal the individual mandate requiring all Americans to have health insurance under the Affordable Care Act, or pay a fee, Obamacare remains the law.

    For now.


  • in

    Donald Trump’s Disney Robot Almost as Deranged as The Real Deal

    How exciting! Disney has unveiled its new Donald Trump animatronic figure in the Hall of Presidents at Walt Disney World, and it’s…

    Oh. Oh my. Now there’s a sight you won’t soon un-see.

    “I helped free the slaves and was assassinated, and all I got was eternal life on stage with this creepo,” thinks Abe.

    On the bright side, we have a sneak peek of what Disney’s Animatronic Trump says!


  • in

    Trump Sexually Harasses Senator Gillibrand in Response to Call to Resign Over Sexual Harassment

    Yes, you read that right.

    “So you denigrate me while supporting a child molester? Cool story, bro.”

    Senator Kirsten Gillibrand, who’s been leading the charge against sexual harassment in Congress, called upon Trump to resign over the TWENTY accusations against him. So, naturally, Trump responded with his usual grace and class via Twitter.

    “Lightweight Senator Kirsten Gillibrand, a total flunky for Chuck Schumer and someone who would come to my office “begging” for campaign contributions not so long ago (and would do anything for them), is now in the ring fighting against Trump. Very disloyal to Bill & Crooked-USED!”

    “Would do anything for them”? The White House refused to respond to requests for clarification, but it doesn’t take a linguistic scientist to know what he meant. In other words, Trump sexually harassed Gillibrand by implying she’d have sex for donations in response to the outcry about his sexual harassment.

    That’s an understatement, Colbert. But Gillibrand quickly jumped into “the ring” and punched back:

    “You cannot silence me or the millions of women who have gotten off the sidelines to speak out about the unfitness and shame you have brought to the Oval Office.”

    Speaking at a news conference later in the day, Gillibrand threw more shade at Trump’s gross comments.

    “I see it as a sexist smear. I mean that’s what it is,” she said on Capitol Hill. “It’s part of the President’s efforts of name calling and it’s not going to silence me, it’s not going to silence me. It’s intended to silence me. It’s not going to silence the women who have stood up against him directly, and it’s not going to silence the millions of women who been speaking out every day since his inauguration about things they disagree with.”

    Boom. But never fear — the president has plenty of other clever comebacks in his arsenal!

  • in

    Trump Hosts First White House Hanukkah Party with Two Jewish Congresspeople, One Decoration…

    🎶…And a Nazi with four Christmas trees.🎶

    “Nobody’s a bigger fan of the Jews. The Jews love me!”

    Some other “highlights” of this Hanukkah extravaganza:

    #1 – Zero Democratic congresspeople were invited to the event, even though 28 of the 30 Jewish House members are Democrats.

    #2 – Jewish GOP congressmen Lee Zeldin and David Kustoff were, however, in attendance, partying it up with far-far-right Jews, including Zionist Organization of America president Mort Klein, who once proclaimed President Obama a “Jew-hating anti-semite.”

    #3 — The first thing Trump did upon entering the party? Bragged about his calamitous, uninformed decision to unilaterally recognize Jerusalem as Israel’s capital.

    “I know for a fact there are a lot of happy people in this room,” he declared, adding: “Jerusalem.”

    #4 – Trump then brought his grandchildren—both Jewish—to light a tiny menorah in front of everyone. According to people there, this was the only actual Hanukkah decoration at the entire party. There were, however, four large Christmas trees in room.

    “Is this it?”

    #5 – After the official White House event concluded, partygoers moved to the Trump International Hotel (surprise, surprise), for a second reception sponsored by the Sheldon Adelson-funded Republican Jewish Coalition. There, the Times reported:

    Other boldfaced names in the Trump orbit, including David A. Clarke Jr., a former sheriff of Milwaukee County, and Jill Kelley, the Tampa socialite, mingled near the bar. Several guests clutched copies of the book “Let Trump Be Trump,” by Corey Lewandowski, the president’s first campaign manager, which he had been signing earlier in the lobby.

    Because everyone knows the Jewish eight-day “festival of lights” is celebrated with a nightly menorah lighting, special prayers, fried foods, inmate abusers and Trump propaganda. L’Chayim!

  • in

    “God Blesh the United Shtaches,” Slurs Preshidensh Donald Trump

    During his speech announcing Jerusalem as the new home of the U.S. embassy in Israel, which has drawn condemnation from world leaders, sent shock waves through the Muslim world and sparked violent Israeli-Palestinian clashes, Donald Trump managed to put the focus solely where it should be: his loose dentures.

    “And open our hearsh and mindsh…” As you can hear, Trump sounds like the last guy in the bar when the lights come on at 3 a.m. (Never a pleasant sight.) So at the end of this controversial, world-altering announcement, we’re left wondering…

    • Why doesn’t Trump have dental implants?
    • Or did he just do a line of “covfefe”?

    • Was his throat just “dry,” as the White House claims? (File that one under: alternative facts.)
    • Or is this part of his transformation into Donald Duck?

    Though I suppose they’re not that similar. After all, one is an angry cartoon character spouting gibberish and the other’s a duck.

  • in

    5 Reasons Why Trump Can’t Be Found Guilty, According to His Crack Legal Team

    The colors of Dowd’s tie really complement his client’s support of yellow journalism.

    Trump’s personal lawyer and all-around jolly guy, John Dowd, is waving away Trump’s self-incriminating Tweet over the weekend — which admitted that he knew then-national security adviser Michael Flynn lied to the FBI about his contacts with the Russian ambassador before firing him in February — by claiming that the “president cannot obstruct justice because he is the chief law enforcement officer under [the Constitution’s Article II] and has every right to express his view of any case.”

    Many legal experts may have scoffed at that “defense,” but little do they know Trump’s crack team has more clever “defense” strategies up their sleeve! Just look at these foolproof excuses…

    #1 – Trump has a doctor’s note from his totally credible gastroenterological specialist declaring, “Trump is the most honest individual ever elected to presidency!”

    #2 – They can prove Trump is abiding by the Constitution… of his choice, the Russian Constitution.

    #3 – It wasn’t Trump who Tweeted that — it was his “publicist,” John Barron!

    #4 – It’s all Obama’s and Crooked Hillary’s fault. Whatever it is, if it’s bad, they’re to blame. LOCK THEM UP!

    #5 – Despite the constant negative press covfefe


  • in

    Cats Respond to Key Lines from Trump’s Afghanistan speech

    Trump was lauded by some for scraping by the lowest of bars and managing to read from a tele-prompter without starting World War 3 last night. So I turned to the toughest critics I know for their take on his speech: cats. Here’s what the feline pundits had to say:

    TRUMP: “The young men and women we send to fight our wars abroad deserve to return to a country that is not at war with itself at home. We cannot remain a force for peace in the world if we are not at peace with each other. As we send our bravest to defeat our enemies overseas — and we will always win — let us find the courage to heal our divisions within.”


    Read More

  • in

    10 U.S. Navy Sailors Missing After Collision at Sea — “Too Bad!” says Trump

    Tragedy has yet again struck one of the United States’ warships in Asian waters, with a widespread search operation currently underway for 10 American sailors who went missing after their guided-missile destroyer collided with a larger oil tanker off Singapore.

    The USS John S. McCain — named after the father and grandfather of the Arizona senator — is the second Navy ship in three months involved in a collision with a merchant ship from another country, this time a a 30,000-ton chemical and oil tanker sailing under the Libyan flag. Five sailors were also injured as a result of the crash.

    When reporters asked Trump, who possesses the empathy of a cinder block, about the situation as he returned to the White House after a 17-day vacation spent mostly at his golf course, his initial response was:

    Read More

Load More
Congratulations. You've reached the end of the internet.