This is Jeff Sessions. Jeff is the 70-year-old U.S. Attorney General and only known living member of the Keebler Elf family.
Jeff is testifying before the House Judiciary Committee about Trump-Russia matters today. Here is Jeff being sworn in:
“I solemnly swear to tell the truth, the half-truth and nothing but what I’ve been told to tell is the truth,” promises Jeff.
Jeff wore a colorful tie and his best “I do not recall” expression that he practiced many times in the mirror.
See Jeff wearing his glasses here? This mean Jeff is getting serious. Jeff says, to his knowledge, Papadopoulos was not authorized by the Trump campaign to speak to any foreign government on behalf on the campaign–then Jeff’s nose grew right in front of the committee, because Papadopoulos repeatedly spoke to the governments of Greece and the UK on the campaign’s behalf and the campaign knew it. Oops! Silly Jeff.
Jeff also gave a blanket “I didn’t remember it” statement to any and every contact with Russian officials or contact with individuals who had had contact with Russian officials that he didn’t disclose under oath before Congress in the past.
After seeing news reports, however, Jeff regained his recollection of the meeting with Papadopoulos! Jeff says, “I do [remember] now!“
Rep. Conyers asked Jeff about prospective recusals from any investigation involving Clinton. You see, Jeff had promised he’d recuse himself from such probes! But Jeff purposely misconstrued it by pretending Conyers had asked if he were currently recused from any such investigation. That sneaky Jeff!
Jeff was asked: “Mr. Sessions you testified at least 36 times that you can’t recall. Is that correct?” Jeff actually replied: “I don’t know.” This is one picture story you just can’t make up!
Although Michael Flynn was Trump’s foreign policy and National Security Adviser, Jeff claims he was never told anything untoward about Flynn’s liaisons and associations. In other words, Jeff denies all conversations, emails, meetings and butt texts about topics that Trump hired him to specialize in.
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Rep. Ted Lieu grilled Jeff even harder than Trump likes his steaks, calling out Jeff’s conflicting answers about communication with the Russians by pointing out: “Either you’re lying to the U.S. Senate, or you’re lying to the U.S. House of Representatives.”
Meanwhile, Jeff says he has “no reason to doubt” the women who have accused Alabama GOP Senate candidate Roy Moore of sexual misconduct. Jeff just earned himself a cookie for not supporting pedophiles.
Some are saying Jeff may only be undercutting Moore because he’s eyeing his old senate seat in the event Moore steps down. In which case, no cookie for you, Jeff.
In summary, Jeff says he “rejects accusations that he ever lied!” And Trump has not influenced him!