Oh, sure, it’s lovely that women across the world come together in solidarity at the Women’s March, but let’s face it — IT’S ALL ABOUT THE SIGNS. Here are some of the funnier ones…
A fun fact about The “Tax Cuts and Jobs Act” that Congress is voting on right now!
Trump was in Pensacola, Fla. yesterday to rally support in Alabama for the child molester running for senate. Such fun! And, really, all you need to know about the embarrassing circus can be summed up in these pictures.
“And you think this crowd is big, you should see right now what’s outside,” boasted Trump. “Congratulations.”
This is the “big crowd.” Rivals the one at his inauguration!
These were the kind of people there to support Trump and Moore. Charming. That woman clearly has a lot of self-respect.
Trump promotes racism, assaults women, mocks disabled reporters and colludes with Russia, and the guy he’s touting molests and stalks little girls, but none of that matters because HE’S BRINGING “MERRY CHRISTMAS” BACK! Even though it never went anywhere. A Christmas miracle, indeed.
Oh, he’s all in.
Seriously. This is all they care about.
Yikes, now I’m getting freaked out. These people do realize Trump wouldn’t know Jesus from Jared Leto, right?
Okay, in Trump’s defense, I wouldn’t either.
Wait — where have I seen that before? Let me think, let me think…
Today Congress GOP has lost one of its own, Rep. Trent Franks, after succumbing to his freakish desire to pressure female aids into carrying his child, at one point offering $5 million to act as a surrogate from him and his wife. A day after announcing he would step down at the end of January, Rep. Trent Franks said he would resign immediately.
“Last night, my wife was admitted to the hospital in Washington, D.C., due to an ongoing ailment. After discussing options with my wife, we came to the conclusion that the best thing for our family now would be for me to tender my resignation effective today, December 8th, 2017,” Franks said in a statement.
Franks leaves behind a legacy of skepticism about global warming, ardent opposition to same-sex marriage and abortion, and a “crisis pregnancy center,” which lies to, shames, and intentionally misleads women about their reproductive-health-care options to block them from accessing abortion care, that he founded in Arizona.
R.I.P. Trent Franks’ career.
“Peak [SIC]-a-boo! This is where Daddy says he’s going to hide when the feds come!”
Notice he makes sure his followers can’t read the actual article.
A child molester leads a “Rally for God.”
This one’s for Roy Moore.
But will they fit over Trump’s bone spurs?
He’s so hip.
Alabama GOP Senate candidate Roy Moore shows no signs of withdrawing from the race, even though five women have accused him of pursuing and assaulting them when they were teenagers–so aggressively so that he was banned from the local mall. But we are nothing if not completely impartial here at The NewsFlasher, so we thought we’d balance out the l’il pedophilia factor by covering a day in his campaign. Here’s what we saw…
8:00 a.m. — Moore canvasses wooded areas of the neighborhood to have one-on-one talks with “potential supporters.” Such a personal touch!
11:00 a.m. — Moore selflessly promotes civic engagement by jumping at the opportunity to spend some time with a local Girl Scout troop.
1:00 p.m. — A huge champion of education, Moore eats at the local high school to get a feel for what the students’ needs are.
3:00 p.m. — Being the avid reader that he is, Moore shops at the local mall for books to enjoy over the holidays. The cashier keeps furtively looking over at him, clearly in awe of being in the presence of a future senator!
3:15 — Minutes later, security storms the book store and abruptly escorts Moore out of the mall. How rude!
5:00 — Moore dictates a nasty Tweet about Mitch McConnell to one of his staffers. “Twitter it!” he instructs.
6:00 — Moore takes it upon himself to groom a potential intern he spots at a rally.
8:00 p.m. — Moore unwinds from his hectic day of campaigning by watching a relaxing movie.
See? Just a normal, not-at-all pedophilic guy.
Oh, Trump, look what you made Dems do!
Thanks to Trump’s multiple “violations of the U.S. Constitution” and all-around ineptitude, House Democrats today welcomed the president back from his Asia trip by — surprise! — introducing articles of impeachment against him, as announced by Rep. Cohen:
Of course, we know it’s not going to lead anywhere as long as Republicans control the House. But why is that, exactly, when Trump has insulted pretty much the whole lot of them and does silly things like collude with hostile foreign governments? We explore the top explanations in this well-researched list of “8 Reasons Why Republicans Won’t Impeach Trump”:
#1 – Paul Ryan is too busy searching for his balls.
#2 – Paul Ryan is too busy waiting for a spine donation.
#3 – Paul Ryan is too busy inviting folks to his gun show.
#4 – Rep. Louie Gohmert is too busy piecing together more amazing conspiracy theory charts, alone in the basement of the House.
#5 – RELATED: Gohmert also is unable to receive reality-based messages while wearing his favorite hat.
#6 – House Republicans are too busy playing Hannity’s new game show, “Clinton Family Conspiracy Feud.”
#7 – Trump has charmed all of them with his smarts, charisma and leadership.
#8 – They’d rather keep their jobs by pandering to Trump’s base of White Nationalists, sexists and xenophobes than do what’s right.
If you’re feeling a little chilly this fall morning, then snuggle up to Rep. Tim Murphy’s career, which is currently going up in flames…
Murphy, who’s quite popular with the pro-life groups for supporting legislation to cut federal funding for abortion and Planned Parenthood and co-sponsoring a 20-week abortion ban that passed in the House Tuesday, has resigned after a report surfaced earlier this week that he had asked his extramarital lov-ah to end her pregnancy — BY TEXT.
Oh, Timmy. Timmy, Timmy, Timmy. I hope you at least used the “PLEASE!” emoji.
Doesn’t look like Trump will be getting a “BEST BOSS” mug from his chief of staff, John F. Kelly, any time soon.
William C. Bradford, a Trump administration appointee who headed the Energy Department’s Office of Indian Energy, resigned today over nasty comments that were magically penned by his Twitter account — comments he swears weren’t his! Comments that questioned Obama’s birth certificate (how original) and called the former president’s mother “a fourth-rate porn actress and wh*re.”
I would say William C. Bradford is the one who likes to screw himself, but no…! This was the work of hackers, of course! All hackers and “social impostors!” Never mind William C. Bradford has a verifiable history of making inflammatory comments on Twitter, including:
The White House finally admits they can’t get Mexico to pay for it. And by “admitting,” I mean avoiding the question when reporters ask about it, kind of like my six-year-old when I ask him if he’s picked up his toys.
Poor Mitch McConnell.
Not only was he handed a devastating defeat with his Skinny Repeal, which had even less meat on it than a chicken wing, but now Big Daddy Trump is mad at him for making him look bad. So he knows how Donald Trump, Jr. feels! And the only way to get back in Big Daddy’s good graces is to either magically transform into Ivanka or check off every item of Trump’s to-do list for him:
MITCH’S SUCK UP TO TRUMP LIST
1. Repeal & replace Obamacare ASAP! If you just replace the “Obama” part with “Trump,” that works, too!
2. Pass tax reform & cuts. I don’t know the difference, but make sure it happens and make sure my base doesn’t know the richest 1% benefits from it the most. I’ll make sure to distract them with a homophobic policy or a big rally or a Crooked Hillary Tweet. They go wild over those!
3. Get a great Infrastructure Bill on my desk for signing. It’s gotta be great and it’s gotta be infrastructured. That’s bigly important.
4. Preface every media interview and speech in Congress with “Trump is our almighty leader, more strapping than Trudeau, smarter than Pea Brain Merkel and more well-endowed than Kim Jong-un and that Australian jerk-off combined.”
5. Stop looking so damn sad all the time. What’s wrong with your face? You look like a depressed turtle. Try to look more handsome and powerful, like me. You’re such a downer, Mitch.
6. Ask that Kamala Harris if she’d join me for a “private meeting.” She annoys the hell out of me, but I could go for some Hot Chocolate, if you know what I mean, rather than this icy treatment I’ve been getting from She Who Shall Not Be Named. (MELANIA! I’m talking about Melania.)
7. A basket of KFC, Coke and Doritos a day makes Trump’s mean Tweets go away. Remember that.