More stories

  • in

    Thinking of Barcelona

    At least 13 dead, 100 hurt in the terrorist attack in Barcelona today. Just devastating.

    What we know so far:

    The attack: A van plowed into a crowd of people in Barcelona near Las Ramblas, an area where I — and many others — have enjoyed people-watching and copious glasses of sangria. Very popular tourist area.
    The victims: At least 13 people were killed, and more than 100 were injured.
    The arrests: Catalan President Carles Puigdemont said two suspects have been arrested. Police are treating the incident as an act of terrorism.
    The culpable: ISIS praises attackers as “soldiers of the Islamic state” — but the terror group has not explicitly taken responsibility for attack.

    Our hearts go out to Barcelona and stand with them against terrorism, wherever it attacks.

  • in

    Denmark’s Prince Henrik Pissed He Never Became King, Refuses to Be Buried with Wife

    “Screw this. I’ll be king of the after-life!”

    Prince Henrik of Denmark is protesting his title for all eternity.

    The prince has announced he doesn’t want to be buried with his wife, Queen Margrethe II, because he’s mad he was never made King Consort. So there!

    The pair have been married since 1967. Margrethe, who ascended to the throne after her father died, has been queen for 45 of those years. Over which time Henrik has not been shy about expressing his discontent. I guess you could say he’s a royal pain in the butt.

    Poor Henrik. Just imagine him sitting in bed, a lowly prince, watching this scene from The Lion King night after night:

    Read More

  • in

    North Korea Missile Launch Crashes and Burns Almost as Hard as Trumpcare Launch

    My, what a big… missile… you have

    A day after Kim Jong Un showed off a bevy of new missiles and launchers at a “MY PENIS IS BIGGER THAN TRUMP’S PENIS” throw-down-slash-military parade, North Korea attempted to cement its military might with a missile launch — only to have it fizzle faster than Trump’s attention span.

    Trump in any given meeting

    A South Korean defense official said the action took place in Sinpo, a port city in eastern North Korea that sounds like the down-on-his luck twin brother of Sinbad. That also was the site of a ballistic missile test earlier this month in which the projectile fell into the Sea of Japan, also known as the East Sea or the Sea of Kim Jong Un’s tears.

    The North Koreans use Sinpo shipyard for their submarine activity, and US satellites have observed increased activity there in April, which just happens to coincide with Trump’s increased Twitter activity about North Korea. Quelle suprise! South Korean and US intelligence officials are trying to determine what type of missile was used Sunday, but initial reports said it could be a medium-range missile likely headed toward this target:

  • in

    Swimsuit Options for Muslim Women That Are More Hygienic Than the Burkini — and Totes Adorable!

    Liberté, égalité, fraternité, jk.

    Whenever I travel to other countries, I take measures to keep myself safe from possible foreign diseases. That’s why I never drink the water in Mexico until I forget ice cubes are made out of water, always avoid the David Hasselhoff album section in Germany, and ask my doctor about vaccinations to protect myself from burkini-borne filth in the Mediterranean Sea. Yes! SUCH FILTH. So imagine my relief when I heard multiple cities in France are outlawing the burkini — which, if you don’t know, is a full-covering bathing suit worn by some Muslim women who have the gall to try to assimilate with Western culture by venturing onto the beach in their own modest way.

    Ugh! I need to pop some Airbone tablets just looking at this thing.

    Read More

  • in

    U.S. Lost Track of Terrorists After Snowden, Has No Idea Where to Send Their Holiday Cards Now


    So after Edward Snowden ripped the cover off top-secret U.S. surveillance programs, foreign terrorists disappeared underground and out of intelligence services’ reach, reveals Matt Olsen, who until July led the National Counterterrorism Center.

    So now where are we supposed to send their holiday cards? The terrorists are REALLY going to go on a tear when they miss my annual update about the family’s vacation in Ojai and how my son almost scored a goal in soccer practice.

    “We’ve lost collection against some individuals, people that we were concerned about we are no longer collecting their communications,” Olsen told CNN’s Jim Sciutto. “We lost insight into what they were doing.”

    Olsen said the revelations made public by former NSA contractor Edward Snowden had changed the way terrorists communicate, causing them to fall out of the U.S. government’s sight. Oops!

    “They’ve changed how they encrypt their communications and adopted more stringent encryption techniques,” he said. “They’ve changed service providers and email addresses and they’ve, in some cases, just dropped off all together.”

    Perhaps the U.S. needs to check out places and modes of communication where we NEVER think to look, like…

    • MySpace
    • My grandma’s rotary phone (she would let them inside as long as they listened to her talk about the contents of her day’s meals for an hour)
    • Detroit
    • The pantry (seriously, my kids NEVER think to look in there when we play Hide-N-Seek, even though that’s where I hide EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.)

    YOU’RE WELCOME, National Counterterrorism Center!

  • in

    Kim Jong Un is Back, Baby!


    Well, sort of back.

    Maybe not-so-back?

    After being MIA for more than a month, North Korean leader Kim Jung Un has reportedly resurfaced, with state media releasing this photo to end international speculation about his whereabouts. And Kim Jung Un — or, as I affectionately call him, “Lil’ Kim” — apparently spent his first day back on the job giving “field guidance” to a newly built residential district and visiting the Natural Energy Institute of the State Academy of Sciences.

    The authenticity of the photo has not been confirmed; however, if that is indeed a picture of his reappearance, then sign ME up for some sweet residential district “field guidance” action! Look at how happy Lil’ Kim is! His smile — so jolly! His skin — so glowing! His hair — so North Korea’s answer to the “Ross Gellar!”

    There have been many rumors swirling about why, exactly, the North Korean leader has been out of sight, but only this Smug White Liberal (SWL) has the Top 5 Most Likely Reasons Kim Jong Un Went Missing:

    5. He was devoting himself to “excessive cheese consumption” so he could launch a massive gas attack.

    4. Now that he’s in his 30s, he took some time off to “get refreshed.”

    3. He was busy faking “health issues” so he could stay home from work and catch up on “Breaking Bad.”

    2. He was recovering from the disappointment that he got Chris Messina instead of Uncle Jesse on BuzzFeed’s “Who Should Be Your Boyfriend?” quiz.

    1. He’s been busy reinventing himself for a career in ’90s sitcoms.

  • in

    Vatican Clarifies Positive Comments About Gay People: “Just Kidding!”

    Over the weekend, the Vatican surprised (and, yes, outraged) many people when it said in a report that gay people had “gifts to offer” the church and acknowledged that same-sex couples can give “precious support” to one other, which a lot of folks interpreted as a shift in its stance on gays — to something more inclusive. Yesterday, the Vatican clarified the report is actually a “working document,” not the final word.

    Of course. We understand. I mean, who hasn’t pressed the “SEND” button on a message to the entire world about reversing their 2,000-years stance on basic human rights before proofreading it? Oopsie! The Vatican probably just sent it after a few rounds of “getting rid of the leftover communion wine.” It’s especially telling when you read this Tweet the Pope posted around the same time as the Vatican’s “draft” announcement:

    We’ve all been there, Your Holiness. We’ve all been there.

Load More
Congratulations. You've reached the end of the internet.