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    School Shootings: Chill Ways to Just Sort of Live with Them

    Okay, so more children have been murdered at the hands of a white man wielding a firearm, and in between sobbing out of fear and outrage and Tweeting “Fuck you, NRA puppet!” at Senator Marco Rubio after he claims stricter gun control wouldn’t have stopped the Parkland tragedy, you’re wondering if there’s anything else you can do to effect change. You could write op-eds, attend protest marches, donate to pro-gun control candidates, and Tweet more obscenities at Rubio for ranking among the top 20 members of Congress in money received — $3.3 million — from gun-rights interest groups, but why expend so much energy when you could learn to just become complacent with the senseless murders and embrace the fact they’re surely going to happen again because Congress refuses to enact sensible legislation to combat them? Here are some tips for learning how to just live with mass shootings and continue on your merry way:

    Avoid the News and Pretend the Shootings Didn’t Happen

    Ignorance is bliss, my friend! The news is so depressing, anyway, so why turn on the TV or read CNN.com when all you’re going to do is get sad and angry? Instead, erase the memory of the seventeen lives lost at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School and the 20 children and six teachers who died at Sandy Hook Elementary with a fun game of Rummikub! Turn that frown upside down with a marathon session of Property Brothers! Ignore your friends’ pleas for gun control on social media by clicking on the three dots next to their names and choosing “Snooze [XXX]’s posts for 30 days.” By then, everyone undoubtedly will have forgotten about the shooting and moved on from these silly ideas about taking actual action, thankfully.

    Have a Short, Crappy Life

    This one’s self-explanatory: Let your hair down, go a little wild, and don’t value your own life because our country’s leaders don’t value it more than NRA donations, so what’s the point? Live with the nausea-inducing pit in your stomach at all times, die sooner of stress-related diseases, and be thankful you won’t live long enough to see your grandchildren go through the same bullshit trauma factory running on the fumes of Republicans’ “thoughts and prayers.”

    Visualize the Shooter with a Cannon of Puppies Instead of an AR-15

    It can be hard to shake the image of a classroom of children being mowed down by an assault weapon. That pesky visual, impeding your ability to get over it! But when you start to think about the shooter firing off 13.3 rounds per second into the flesh of students, immediately visualize him armed with a cannon of adorable puppies or a glitter gun instead. Now that’s the way to go!

    Think Away the Shootings with Thoughts and Prayers

    “Thoughts and prayers” help Republicans dismiss the need for better gun control after mass shootings, so go ahead — give it a whirl! Think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, pray, think, think, think, pray, pray, pray…

    Ahhhhh. See? Like it never happened.

     

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    Trump’s Lawyer Paid Off Stormy Daniels Out of Goodness of His Heart

    Backed into a corner and facing FEC complaint, President Trump’s lawyer Michael Cohen has finally admitted he made a $130,000 hush payment to “Toxxxic Cumloads 6” star Stormy Daniels (to cover up her affair with Trump) — but claims it was out of his own pocket and he was not reimbursed.

    So send all bills to Michael Cohen! He loves paying off stuff for people and expects nothing in return!

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    HOT FLASH: Trump Administration Wants to Replace Food Stamps with Boxes of Government-Picked Foods

    President Trump, who apparently is a fan of big government when it suits his anti-poor purposes, wants to replace food stamps with boxes of government-picked, nonperishable foods, which they’re billing as a “Blue Apron-type program.”

    Comparing a box of cheap canned goods to Blue Apron is like calling ICE “a Lyft service for DREAMers. Or the border wall “rock climbing exercise for Mexicans.”

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    HOT FLASH: Trump is Suddenly a Champion of Due Process!

    Peoples lives are being shattered and destroyed by a mere allegation. Some are true and some are false. Some are old and some are new. There is no recovery for someone falsely accused – life and career are gone. Is there no such thing any longer as Due Process?” Tweets Donald Trump, who…

    -Spearheaded birther movement
    -Led chants of “lock her up!”
    -Declared Central Park 5 should be executed
    -Claimed Ted Cruz’s dad killed JFK
    -Accused Obama of wiretapping him
    -Called a press conference with Bill Clinton’s accusers
    -Believes undocumented immigrants are largely violent

    Due process…?

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    Trump Responds to Abuse Allegations Against Rob Porter — Here Are Five Responses That Would Have Been Better

    “Psssst. Tell ’em how awesome and innocent I am!”

    When asked about allegations of domestic violence against his staff secretary, Rob Porter, that forced the top aide to resign this week, Trump told reporters during an unscheduled photo-op:

    “We found out about it recently and I was surprised by it, but we certainly wish him well and it’s a tough time for him. He did a very good job when he was in the White House. He also, as you probably know, says he’s innocent and I think you have to remember that. He said very strongly yesterday that he’s innocent so you have to talk to him about that, but we absolutely wish him well, he did a very good job when he was at the White House.”

    Huh. Might I propose some statements that would have been better?

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    Who Is Kim Jong-un’s Sister?

    Kim Jong Un is sending his younger sister, Kim Yo Jong, to South Korea for the Winter Olympics, the first time any member of the Kim dynasty has visited the country. Here are some key facts to know about the dictator’s influential kin:

    • Political position: A close aide of her brother’s who manages his public events, itineraries, logistical needs, and late-night cheese runs.
    • Leadership: Reportedly took charge of North Korea while her brother was ill with gout or diabetes, or just catching up on the last season of Game of Thrones, in late 2014.
    • Lullaby she reportedly sings to her brother to calm him down (translated): “The mentally deranged dotard makes us puke… Don’t worry, you’ve got a better nuke!”
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